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Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: “I’m Gonna Keep Those Girls Away from My Crown with My Sword!”

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Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: “I’m Gonna Keep Those Girls Away from My Crown with My Sword!”

Southern Celebrity North Carolina Pageant

:01 – Proud mama, April, tells us she has “passed [her] pageant torch” to three-year-old daughter Aniston.  “Show me how you shake your hiney,” instructs Aniston’s mom.  “I will do it REAL hard,” promises little Aniston.

:02 – April, 6, reveals she is “a tomboy and a beauty queen.”  Just like Zac Efron!  April wants to do pageants until she’s 21.  At which point it’s all downhill.

:04 — We meet Teeghan, 3, whose mom used to compete in pageants with Eva Longoria.  Oooohhh.  Aaahhh.   Her mom will also cut a bitch who dares to beat her daughter.  A sampling of her “pep talk”:

MOM:  “There are going to be other little girls at that pageant trying to take your crown.”
TEEGHAN:  “No way, Jose!”
MOM:  “What are you going to do?
TEEGHAN:  “Just take it away from them!”
MOM:  “That’s right.”

Also not afraid to boil another child's rabbit, if necessary

“My girl Teeghan is going to bring me home that big North Carolina crown,” her mom says with certainty.  (No pressure or anything.  But if you don’t win, kid, don’t be surprised if you’re suddenly singing and rocking yourself to sleep at night.)  Thankfully, Teeghan is just as confident:  “I’m gonna take a big crown for mommy at home.”

Teeghan’s mom shares her dreams for her daughter:  “First thing I thought when I had a girl was, ooohhhh.  I have a little girl to do pageants!  I have a little girl to be a cheerleader!  I was thrilled.”

It’s true; doesn’t get much better than that for a girl.  Except maybe a job at Hooters.

:05 – Aniston and her mom tease her pageant hair piece:

Between you and me, I’m more concerned about that head’s eyebrow situation.

“Girl, you gonna make me crazy,” says Aniston as her mom tries to help with the wig.  And if her mom doesn’t drive her crazy, looking that head in the eyes for too long surely will.

:07 – Aniston’s dad estimates they’ve spent $200,000 on pageants.

No wonder he’s losing his hair.

:08 –  Teeghan’s father, a military pilot on a fixed income, is also concerned about the amount of money they’re spending on pageants.  His wife, who regularly buys two-thousand-dollar pageant dresses, does not plan on consulting him:  “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission. That’s my motto.”

:17 – “You have to be tan if you want to win the biggest trophy,” says the tanning attendant spraying three-year-old Teeghan in the face.

:19 – Aniston, who already pissed off her coach when she wouldn’t cooperate, now won’t sit for her glitz photo shoot. “Round one goes to the kid,” sighs the frustrated photographer, his dreams of working for National Geographic fading faster than Teeghan’s spray tan.

:20 – “I’m gonna keep those girls away from my crown with my sword!” declares Teeghan.

Somewhere, Teeghan’s mom is approvingly sharpening her arsenal.

“I want Teeghan to win pretty bad,” Teeghan’s mom frets.  “The competition is pretty stiff… so North Carolina’s a big deal.”  Nothing a sword and a few grenades can’t fix!

:23 – Pageant Director reveals they’re awarding castle-shaped crowns.  Which I’m pretty sure you can also score at Burger King with a $4.99 Whopper meal.

:25 – Team Teeghan attaches her hair piece:  “Take it out. It’s killing me!  Take it out! No!  It might burn me.  I wanna go home,” Teeghan screams.  Bottom line: They’re off to a good start.

:28 –  Fashion emergency! Aniston has lost an earring.  They search everywhere for it, but no luck.  “Get out,” Aniston tells the camera crew, slamming the door in their face.  Bottom line: They, too, are off to a good start.

:29 – “When Teeghan does win, I am thrilled because the judges think that day that my child is the most beautifully facially,” Teeghan’s mom muses in a heartrending parental moment.


:29 – Teeghan jumps on an auditorium chair awkwardly, so she falls through the crack.  Ouch.  “This could ruin the day,” her mom says as Teeghan SCREEEAAAMS.  Yeah, could.

:34 – “It is going… interestingly,” Teeghan’s dad diplomatically notes about his daughter’s lackluster performance.  Translation:  My wife is not putting out tonight.

:43 – Aniston is not “really into” her performance and — GASP! — drops her wooden horse.  This horrifying act of defiance is met with a deafening silence.

R.I.P. “Horsey”

:46 – We GOTTA win that crown for mommy,” Teeghan’s dad tells his daughter, still apparently under the delusion that he has a chance of getting a piece with his wife tonight.

:47 – Oh no!  April, whose parents are way too normal, down-to-earth and supportive for this crazy show, summons her mom to the stage.  She is afraid she has forgotten all of her tap moves. “It’ll come back to you when you hear the music,” says her mom.

:48 — And… it all comes back to April when she hears the music.  Damn her and her parents, and their lack of drama!

:48 – “One of the hardest [pageants] I’ve ever had to judge,” declares a judge, eyes wide.  I think we can all agree this pageant is even more of a nail-biter than Bush v. Gore.

:55 – Teeghan’s mom shares another parental pearl of wisdom:  “I think that facial beauty is the main focus of the pageant.  It’s the main focus, honestly, in life as well.  That’s the first thing people notice about you — your face.”

Not if she’s working at Hooters!  But, again, just something to aspire to one day.

:56 — Teeghan and Aniston lose a three-way tie with another girl for Supreme title.  And that tie was broken by… their respective scores in Facial Beauty.  Oh, what an ironic turn — the very category Teeghan’s mom declared to be the “main focus in life” has suddenly become her Achilles Heel!  Ouch.

:58 — April wins Most Talented and Princess.  “Well, my little girl just won Princess,” beams April’s dad, his chin quivering.  It just makes you proud.”

Awwww.  I feel myself getting misty-eyed, myself, when Teeghan returns to the screen:  “That’s it, I’m done.  I’m done with this!” she screeches.

Thank you for reminding me what Toddlers & Tiaras is about, Teeghan.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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